entry 3

id make for such a crazy ass character in a book or a graphic novel or fuck even a webcomic maybe my experience could be so symbolic of so much shit its interesting with the way i express myself and then ontop of that how people apparently perceive me 

i hate getting to know how people perceive me it feels dehumanizing almost even though its usually me asking the questions and the other person answering so thats usually on me 

anyways as of late i cant really differentiate myself from other parts of myself i guess. it just feels like dave all the time now and im not getting any feedback from outside sources fuck i might not even be dave typing this out i might be our jade for all i know shes been out an about just as upset as me over jack squat i dont even know whats going on

aside from the work ive got piling up i dont have much of a reason to be so depressed i dont know whats prompting that i feel like a total buzzkill and fuck if that doesnt make me feel kinda guilty but whatever moving on from that

thinking back on how i used to describe my other parts and stuff like well theyre their own people you gotta give them respect and treat them like a person and now. i wasnt wrong but i think that wordings way outdated and doesnt even make sense because its me
its all me those are MY parts that is me im our jade im still our rose everyone else we got up in here its all dave whether i like it or not im rose im jade im everyone else as theyre me wow deep shit aint it

god its fucking confusing ive been dealing with the knowledge for five years on break for two not really it was just me ignoring it but who cares im calling it vacation 

anyways kismesis #got and im feeling fine beyond that just bored
bored in a way that makes you anxious as hell

Entry #2 - huh

wow okay so same day i make this blog a shit ton of stuff just has to start happening
okay thats not true it isnt that much but i felt like i should talk about it anyways

pretty much a given that ive got some weird complexes but wow im traumatized and it makes me react to shit in like really weird and unnecessary ways in some dumbass attempt to self preserve 

but anyways leaving out the context for my sake safe to say i almost had a panic attack in the bathroom this morning because hell i knew i wouldnt be able to save my own skin by just doing some work and what i mean by that is i probably wouldnt be able to do any work at all and its like shit i havent been able to do anything lately how am i meant to deal

the bathroom used to be my safe haven because nobody wants to bother a dude using the shitter right

except now they dont care apparently
which sucks because now i dont even feel secure anywhere cant even have my own bedroom because theres always some grown ass man barging in and spewing shit at me like a farmer tending to his crops throwing down some fresh cow patties trying to fertilize me except im not really benefiting from it at all unlike the metaphorical crops in this scenario 

guess im not really mad or upset about any of that because its pretty much business as usual you know just mad that i was so freaked out i wasnt able to man up and leave my room to get some food

dude im starving right now. this shit happens way too often and everytime i sneak food up here to stash im not able to properly ration my shit ever to have some when i feel like i really need it because hell im a big boy i need a shit ton of food to function right

so kinda my fault there. oops

anyways heres to hoping nothing big happens to me later because i dont wanna write up another one of these lol writing is literally all i do for work and its kinda draining
creatively and just in general like my wrists sting bad and my forearms feel like theyre bruised at the bone all that good shit

off topic but people have been urging me to see a physical therapist about my tailbone because its just moving around in my ass and holy shit does it sting
it isnt fractured or broken thankfully i figured that out last doctors visit but fuck i dont have the money to even go to physical therapy

then i dont have anyone to drive me there 
not to say i cant drive at my grown age but
you know

i dont really want to go anyways because man it does not seem legit
most stuff like this doesnt really seem legit to me but physical therapy probably wont help with this

gotta get up stop being such a debbie downer
thats it really
big nap ahead of me though and i might finish up playing half life 2 and all the other valve games i bought during the steam sale

i actually bought doom eternal for one buck and i dont even play it
it literally will not run on my computer for whatever reason and i fucked around with it a bunch trying to make it work but i eventually gave up
just glad i didnt pay forty dollars on it or however much it actually is

high hopes for l4d2 though. i dont have anyone to really play it with (more like i dont feel like asking anyone) so im gonna solo the thing

in like a week or however long into the future i end up taking because fuck dude even playing games is getting hard
not that im bad at them im pretty good at video games just cant bring myself to play anything i want to

its usually like that anyways though nothing specials been up

Entry #1 - introduction? not really

 so im making this just to have my stuff out there. to have witnesses to what goes on in my life maybe and hey thisll probably help other people perceive me better (??) so win win

like it says on my about me theres bound to be some weird shit on here. be warned. for starters im gonna be talking about my home life and my nasty stigmatized mental illnesses here 

all you really have to know is that i have pocd hocd all the cds and i got all the pds. gonna be complaining about that a lot here